Friday, June 13, 2008


I had the first waking impression of a dream that I can remember for more than a week this morning... drying concrete forms protected under blue plastic tarpaulins from the rain during the night.

Sleep came last night and gave me peace for a time from this strange energy that is welling up inside of me. Today is the twenty first day without any alcohol or sexual release, and by and large I think I am handling it well, but the meditations I have done are not skillful, I will need some training in pratyahara and better mantras. I got into a very deep and calm place yesterday evening using a long, English language mantra that helped me early this year, "There is nothing I have to do, there is nothing I have to have, there is nothing I have to be, other than what I am being right now"

Swami Rami's excellent book "Om, the eternal witness" is helping me hold on to the detachment that has arisen in me after my long period of grief, and is a great companion to the Eckhart Tolle and Thomas Keating I have been reading. I'll eventually write more about these books and my new vantage point on reality, but I don't want to delve into any memories or reports (of the the state convention, etc.) since I am trying to stay focused in the present moment.

Here is a snippent from Swami Rama:

Ultimate enjoyment for most human beings is sleep. But the yogis say that sleep is not the ultimate enjoyment. When a fool goes to sleep he wakes up as a fool, there is no change in him. There is no transformation. This is not the case with Turiya. If a fool, by chance, goes to Turiya, he will emerge as a sage. By chance, Saul came in touch with that great inner power and his whole life was transformed; he became St. Paul. Valmiki was a notorious robber who used to rob everyone, even swamis and sadhus. When he came in touch with that great power, Turiya, his whole life was completely tranformed. Some sudden grief, some accident, some loss in life, may allow you to come in touch with that inner power. When you lose someone who is very dear to you, you become disillusioned with this world. You wonder, "Is this what I was expecting from the world?" You become completely detached from the whole world, because till then you had never realized the meaning of life on this worldly stage. By the time you have cried your heart out, by the time you have buried that person, you will have become like a sage. But when you return home, you think, "I have to do this, I have to do that" and you lose that detachment. If at that particular moment when you had genuine detachment, vairagya, you had resolved to yourself, "I want to search for truth, for reality; I realize that this is false," perhaps that moment would have lead you to the highest wisdom


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