Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Gratitude

I am grateful for the experiences I have been having lately... they are too profound to relate in a quick blog post, but I have been praying a lot, doing a lot of yoga, eating well and I have been sober for 11 days. I have made an apology for my selfishness to one girlfriend, telephonically, and it was well received. I am often able to forgive myself, if only temporarily, for my shortcomings. I have been able to turn things over to a Higher Power and have received at least temporary relief from passions that have consumed me.

I pray that I will be able to become the man you have all needed me to be. A good life partner for the one woman that the Higher Power might intend for me. That I may become a person of greater moral integrity and greater courage. A river to my people.

I spent today with another old girlfriend, walking around a suburban lake, talking about our broken hearts, failed relationships, Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body, sobriety. I have known her for fifteen or sixteen years, lots of phases, lots of cities. Like me, she remains very much in love with someone who isn't there for her, and had spent a couple days drinking after what looks like a pretty permanent breakup. I tried to listen to her unselfishly, in part because she was able to listen to me a little when my big heartbreak was fresh, in part because the discipline I have undertaken requires service to others, that my survival depends now on an ability to get outside myself to help others. Hours passed and the anguish melted away from her face. We drank dandelion tea. She gave me some great essential oils. I am hoping I have someone to hangout with and pray with that there is a plan, there is a design, some reason for this suffering and that our lovers will come back to us in answer to these prayers or we can let go.

I found an amazing yoga instructor the other day. I have also found a lot of Fellowship with people recovering from excesses and consequences far greater than my own.

If I stay on this path and pace of healing, self-knowledge, service to other broken individuals like myself for any length of time I think some of the pain I have caused myself to get here will be worthwhile, but I wish I had not caused pain to, and let down the hopes of, the sweetest people I have ever known - my children - and Christine. Someday I hope the barriers between us will be removed and there will be direct and mutually beneficial communications between us, and we could all know each other as the new people we have all no doubt become. I have the good intention of accepting whatever becomes, despite my high hopes, and not being attached to or impatient for specific outcomes...

From Neale Donald Walsch's Happier than God I have posted prominently near the entrance to my room a mantra of sorts: "The way to move out of judgment is to move into gratitude - Be grateful for every outcome"

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